L.E.T.T.I.N.G.O.

As you may or not know last month I started my journey in "college life" I mean I have an associates degree so I've been to college just not dorm/university life. I think I have transitioned very well but I have been feeling rather emotional lately. Positive and negative emotions...I've been feeling like my potential for growth here is never ending, I just dont know how to get there. Ive been thinking about this particular scripture that is significant to me:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Everything Has Its Time
1 To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:
2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

This passage reminds me of things that need to be carried out in my life, burdens to life, garbage to take out...I feel as though everything has a season and people have seasons in your life...they can either move and grow with you or they have to be left behind. There are some people in my life that I've played forgive and forget with too many times and I think sometimes too many times is twice. Im guilty of giving people second chances and letting them bounce in and out of my life after they ruin or dont utilize that second oppurtunity. I am not perfect but I think in my life and especially at this time I deserve to have friends and family who can support me and grow with me. By recieving this education and improving myself in different areas I feel as though I'm learning more and growing more to share more.
This is a strange time in my life because doors that I thought were closed are now opening. I am asked to think about things and question society in ways I never did. I am encouraged to challenge and understand my diverse peers. I just may be falling in love with my first love all over again and its really scary. Im doing my best to cut a lot of bullshit out of my life and start lying to myself. Ive met some amazing people and I need to do what I can to open up and make sure they dont become "half way" friends like some people in my life now. I have been so used to being closed off and letting things slide that I do not fully discern my emotions. I am also horrible regarding others emotions. If someone pisses me off or acts funny theyre done, Im not chasing them and asking whats wrong or beggging for companionship. I let the wrong people slide and the right ones have to end up feeling this womans scorn. I am only human. Sometimes I want proof that a frienship or love is valid...real things come back...real friends forgive, real friends dont judge you by your flaws, they know how to regulate. I am working on realizing who is real and who is not in a non-confrontational way. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve but not my flaws. I want to stop feeling "some kinda way" all the time.


On the other hand, I really feel like I can grow here, all of the oppurtunities I said wanted to have, to dance, to learn to draw better, to take photos, theyre all available here and they are easily accessible. I want to learn to cut mens hair and I am hopefully getting lessons from this really cool dude tomorrow. He's got skills. lol. I just want to be good at what I love. i want to embrace and understand my culture. I want to rethink and unteach myself what was cast upon me by media and capitalist America, I want to form my own opinion of why people did what they did historically and how it affects them today (slavery>jim crow laws and civil rights> Afrocentrism) I want to form my own opinions on Americas influence on Africa and Africa's influence on the Americas during the transatlantic slave trade. I know it sounds wack but if we can reteach ourselves what was regulated and forced upon us we can become better individuals. I'm not saying there is something horrible about the government, but there is a lot of propaganda and stereotypes that we are tricked to believing as truth.
What is the true definition of gender?
Do men really dominate? Do blacks in the media portray themselves the way whites portrayed them in the 1920's and subtly still do now; as servants, a permanent inferior race, men being criminals and women being bitter and loose?
I want to think for myself instead of being gullible and ignorant, I was before I came here but I didn't know. Believe me i am nowhere near my full potential and I have a lot to learn but I am more willing to be expressive from the inside out.
I just have to know who is on a similar journey with me? Who is already there? What do I have to give to the world? How and where do I make a difference? Can I turn these frustrations and confusion into something positive?

The world is in our hands
Jennell Candice Ujima

----a song I love...by an artist I love